Machete

In early 2007 a double bill Grindhouse feature was released comprising of Planet Terror and Death Proof, between the two films was a number of fake trailers in keeping with the grindhouse theme.  From these trailers there was a stand out gem; the Danny Trejo led Machete and so in 2010 it was released as a feature film in its own right.  There are no prizes for guessing which movie I am going to be debating over today.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez Machete is the name of our lead character, a former Mexican cop and now illegal immigrant who is on the well worn path of revenge against a drug lord for the murder of his wife and daughter.  Along the way he gets involved in a complicated political scam after being offered a large sum of money to shoot a local State Senator, this opens a whole entangled can of worms including a secret organization known as the Network who help Mexicans get over the border, an all too enthusiastic Immigration Officer and a crazy mum and daughter porno team.

The thing you have to keep in mind when watching Machete is that it plays on the old exploitation films, this means it's filled with mindless gore, nudity and over the top violence.  The plot is tightly directed for all it's complex points although filled with simple scripting to the point of some cheese-tastic one liners, there's also some comedy provided by the refusal of Machete to operate a mobile phone akin to watching your grandparents trying to send a text message.

He doesn't want guns and glory, Machete wants to hack and slash his way through the enemies with a variety of impressive machetes...  In fact at one point I'm convinced one of them was bordering on sword territory it was that long.  Of course a weapon of this choosing provides a large amount of head decapitating fun and an interesting use of intestines for abseiling. 

This is surprisingly Trejos first lead role, given that he has a habit of popping in quite a few blood splattered films over the years; for example From Dusk Till Dawn, Halloween, The Devil's Rejects and Predators.  This is his role and he owns it with gusto, from the moment he appears on screen it is obvious Rodriguez wrote the character for him (from doing a bit of research it seems it has been a long time in the making).  Whether it's his ridiculously weather worn face or enough body art to make him a walking advert for LA Ink, Trejo embodies everything this character represents.

Lohan's parole officer will be nun to happy with her new habit... 

Machete is completed with an impressive cast; De Niro, who is the person you'd probably least expect appearing in this sort of film, is the State Senate who is about as politically incorrect as they come eventually resorting to a final act of desperation in the form of dressing as Mexican and running around the battle field appropriately like a jumping bean.

Jessica Alba is intentionally over the top, it's all very big and dramatic with her character although she does have a brilliant fight scene resulting in the best use of a metal stiletto heel I've seen in a long time.  Yep she is naked in the shower much to many a mans delight and she wears very tight trousers with ridiculously high heels.  Her other female co-star, Michelle Rodriguez, plays her usual hard ass bitch but it fits with the style of the film and enables her character to make a stylish return, also in tight clothing, towards the final act.

Others worthy of a mention are Lindsay Lohan, blond hair and boobs ahoy!  She annoys the crap out of me but she's passable in this and even has a little dig at herself in a conversation with her on screen father, although seeing her in a nuns outfit may have scarred me for life.  Steven Seagal also appears as the drug lord, I have watched a lot of his straight to DVD films and thankfully I don't feel the need to scratch my eyes out from his performance in this!  You know it's Seagal, he comes pre-packaged with a young oriental girl at his side, wearing some strange kind of robes and has his samurai sword at the ready.

Lets be honest, you're probably not going to watch a film like Machete if you aren't interested in cheesy gore infused violence with plenty of boob (boob counter went into overdrive!)  People who do watch Machete won't be disappointed, it lives up to the expectations set by the trailer and surpasses the Grindhouse double it was originally wedged between.  Must be watched with others of a similar mindset, not those who offend easily, and then it'll be the perfect film night in.

Skyline

In my humble opinion Independence Day is probably the best alien invasion film of recent years, it's only topped by the original War Of The Worlds (not the "hi, I'm Tom Cruise and I was put in this film simply to make money" remake).  As a dedicated X-Phile I like watching stuff which has a little green man theme, but in our next film the invaders are neither little or green; Skyline is my next review.

Skyline opens with the usual brief preamble before the world starts falling apart, Jarrod and his girlfriend Elaine have taken a trip to LA to celebrate the birthday of Jarrods friend Terry, who is now the big man in special effects living in his penthouse apartment with his typical LA blonde bimbo girlfriend, Candice.

The following morning the group are woken by what feels like an earthquake only to see that outside people are being sucked into the sky by shafts of blue light.  Random extra one in the apartment has his fate sealed when he decides to have a good stare out over the balcony, chaos ensues and our two leading men decide the best thing to do in this situation is go onto the roof, where it's nice and exposed, and take some pictures.

When people are caught in the light they begin to physically change, both Jarrod and Elaine are exposed but make miracle recoveries although we later on discover that for some reason it has cause Jarrod to become action man.  This is means that a lot of the time our characters are hiding behind kitchen counters praying that the timer on the electric blinds doesn't decide to open them again.

The thing with Skyline is the characters are relatively believable, none of them are experts in anything really and they bumble about trying to solve their predicament in ways which although may be stupid are probably not that far from a real reaction.  For example, the end of the world is extremely fucking nigh (kudos if you know the reference) but Candice still has time to be pissed at Terry for a bit of extra curricular bathroom activity with his assistant the night before.  They might all be about to die but Terry will be getting his ear chewed first, priorities after all.

It has to be addressed that for an alien invasion movie it had a relatively limited budget, there are no big names here and most of the money went on special effects.  The effects are good, definitely a step up from the type of films you'll see on the Sy-Fy channel, and the alien ships are nicely detailed if not a little Transformer-ish in their movement and appearance when walking through the city.  There are a couple of occasions where the characters are so obviously super imposed onto the background that they may as well be standing in front of a picture, but this is only a small problem and doesn't distract too much.

At this point the problem seemed too big even for Jack Bauer to handle.

Overall the acting is of a fair standard, Balfour and Faison are playing their usual characters just placed into a more stressful environment with Faison being taken out of the game early which was surprising as I would say he was the best known of all the cast.  The two women are largely stereotyped, bimbo looks confused by everything and screams a lot (Sweet Valley High girl is getting on a bit) and Elaine seems to be stuck in permanent nagging mode, if I've had been stuck in a room with her I would not be responsible for my actions!

David Zayas (the always cheerful Batista in Dexter) pops up as the buildings concierge, Oliver.  Oliver appears to be the only person capable of intelligent thought, although it has to be said that he should really check if his lighter works before turning on the gas as it could all have gone horribly wrong.  Nobody is bad, and with an average script with little in the way of wit or dry humour the actors try their best.

Skyline is worth a watch, if only to see an invasion movie which does not have a happy ending; there is no hero, Jeff Goldblum won't be along to plant his virus at the last minute, and the British won't be sitting around drinking tea waiting for the Americans to tell them what to do.  The end sequence in the alien craft is interesting and leaves open the possibility of a predictable sequel, maybe find out what the aliens want with all those brains.

I have one issue with this film; how on earth does one look at a nuclear explosion through a telescope and not end up blind and then nobody seems to suffer any consequences from the fall out given that it wasn't that far away from them.  Just a little shake of the building, see people nuclear weapons are perfectly safe when used against aliens!

And Soon The Darkness

"Alone.  Stranded.  No One To Trust" shouts the box description of the next film, there's blurry tension ridden pictures, girls in bikinis, and Karl Urban looking angry...  In fact he seems to be pulling the same face he does in the Lord Of The Rings whenever someone mentions going into battle.  So today we'll have a look at And Soon The Darkness.

This is one of those films where the characters seem to lack simple common sense, two American girls are on a bike tour in Argentina but have decided to abandon the organised trip and go a wandering...  Alarm bells ringing yet?  They should be!

It's a simple plot, the girls find a hotel to stay in and decided to spend their final night in a local bar annoying the locals with skimpy outfits and an overeagerness for crappy pop on the jukebox.  Ellie, who apparently is a man eating nympho, decides to get it on with one of the regulars but is promptly blocked by friend Stephanie, when her chosen date doesn't like being turned down Michael (Urban) steps in being all manly and shirt roughing.

The following day Ellies behaviour causes a predictable fight between her and Stephanie which leads to their separation, when Steph returns Ellie is missing and the remainder of the film is a paint by numbers race to find her.

Here is the issue, there is nothing new in this film, tourists being kidnapped to be sold on to as sex slaves in some backwater town has been done numerous times before.  This film can't even really be described as a thriller, a promising opening sequence featuring the torture of one young woman is about as graphic as you're going to get.  The entire plot is focussed on Steph trying to find her friend, there is no mystery to this as it's so obvious from the start what is going on that there is noting to hold your attention; you know how this is going to end within the first 15 minutes.  It's one giant cupcake sized cliché with an extra sprinkling of unbelievable plot points.

It's one redeeming feature is the gorgeous scenery, there are lots of wide shots of the landscape whilst the girls explore making for some beautiful travelling scenes.  But like Barbie it's all beauty and no substance.  I'm sure some viewers will enjoy the view of the lead actresses strutting around in their bikinis, accompanied by some rather overly intrusive ass shots but this seems like a final act of desperation by the makers to get people watching.

The script isn't poor, it's average at best, the character of Steph comes across as a complete kill joy during the first half of the film and when she is trying to find Ellie she seems to lack the required urgency a situation like this would obviously garner.  In fact all the characters feel one dimensional, Ellie is the trouble maker, Steph is the prude and Michael is the brave man.

Urban still wasn't sure if he'd perfected the Bryan McFadden look enough for his Westlife Tribute Act.

I ended up watching this film as Karl Urban was in it, I quite enjoy his performances and find him a more understated actor.  As with the two actresses Heard and Yustman, Urban cannot fill out his role due to the constraints of the writing, they all have back stories which are touched upon in such a blink and you'll miss it type way that you really don't care about them as characters.

The cast do their best with what they have, with the exception of Cesar Vianco who plays Calvo the towns local law enforcement.  Vianco is unintentional comic relief due to his rather camp Spanish accent and crazy hair, you know from the moment he turns up that he's in on it he may as well be wearing a sign around his neck declaring "Alert!  Bad Guy Plot Twist!"

This film is one to be avoided, even if you're a fan of the cast there is little to make it interesting.  If you're looking for films with similar themes try Taken for a plot around tourists being kidnapped or A Perfect Getaway for a vacation based thriller, both are good choices.

If nothing else you'll take away from the film that you should never go on holiday with someone who'll sleep with anyone in sight because they attract kidnappers, be suspicious of any place where the locals are constantly passing silent messages to one another through dirty looks and don't ever trust a police man whos office implies he never solves any crimes...  Seriously how many missing persons posters did he have to display for Steph to twig something may be a bit wrong!

Saw: The Final Chapter

Back in 2004 a small horror film was released, it quickly garnered a cult following due to its inventive plot and new take on a by now tired genre.  The film revolved around two men held in a bathroom, with only an apparently dead body for company...  The tag line read "Let The Games Begin!"  I doubt back then the makers would realise the craze they had set upon the movie going public, Halloween 2010 was the date for the release of the seventh and final (possibly?!) instalment of the franchise.  The film for today is Saw: The Final Chapter.

The first Saw was a complicated film, full of twists and second guessing.  There was purpose to Jigsaws rather strange take on the Crystal Maze, he wanted to teach his victims a lesson; they could save their lives if they were willing to sacrifice parts of themselves in the process, he wanted them to be reborn and be grateful for what they had.  A technique, which although a bit severe, would make the Jeremy Kyle show a lot more interesting.

The Final Chapter was supposed to tie up all those story strands which have been dropping all over place for the last six films.  Hoffman, a man who has a number of super powers including rapidly healing skin tissue, ninja like stealth and a keen fancy for stabbing people in the neck; is now on a wanted man.  Jigsaws wife has finally decided that she actually did know her late hubby was a bit of a caring serial killer and she's ready to shop everyone, for full immunity of course.

Whilst Hoffman and Tuck are playing chase the main story running though is that of Bobby Dagen, a "survivor" of a trap who has ridden the publicity train to wealth and a trophy wife.  He courts the media with TV spots and an appearance at a Jigsaw Survivor group, of course it soon becomes clear Bobby is being a little generous with the truth.  So what happens to him?  Well dim wife gets taken prisoner and Bobby has to face the Jigsaw gauntlet, various traps encasing those who work for him and are in on the secret that he has never been tested.  Lets be honest we've seen it all before and Bobby is a bit bad at the game, in that he saves a grand total of zero!

There are also numerous other random characters popping up, including a rather forced flashback as to how the Internal Affairs guy currently holding Tuck knows Hoffman.  This is the problem with how complicated Saw has become, there aren't just stand alone characters any more everyone has to have some sort of connection to the extend that you have to wonder if there's a little inbreeding going on.

"Flash Gordon, Quarterback, New York Jets"... Wait... Wrong Gordon.

Of course we eventually see the return of the one footed man, Dr. Gordon is back and he is not a happy chappy.  Anyone who has gotten into a debate with an overenthusiastic Saw fan will know this is the big question, what the hell happened to him after Saw last time we saw him he was snaking out of the bathroom minus a foot and taking on an appearance that wouldn't see him out of place on the set of Twilight.

Actually the acting in this final instalment is the weakest so far, the IA agent Gibson is so bad it's funny I have no idea where they got him from (he's been in Final Destination) but the boy needs to invest in some decent acting classes.  Hoffman is his usual gruff self, scowling moodily whilst trying to maintain how cool he is, given that most of his interactions are with Jill Tuck it basically becomes a face off between his angry brow line and her evil pout of smugness.

The rest of the supporting cast takes the usual cues, look terrified and scream a lot...  Then die...  That's about it really.  Even that guy from Linkin Park manages to out act almost everyone, the only exception being Gordon who being played by a seasoned actor was obviously restricted in his role in case he showed everyone else up.

Saw films are known for their traps, each new film trying to outdo the last; this offering lacked in originality though, there wasn't anything that stood out unlike say the Rack Trap in Saw 3 or the end group trap in Saw 5.  Yes there was the usual volcano of blood going off but it wasn't interesting any more.

It's a shame that Saw has gone out on a whimper rather than a bang, given that Saw 6 managed to pick up the franchise again after some poor showings in Saw 4 and Saw 5, The Final Chapter undid all the good work.  Tobin Bells Jigsaw had all but disappeared, an occasional flashback was all we got when he was the star of the show, yes Jigsaw is dead but he could have been used more.  Hopefully this is the end, although the rumours are starting again...  This is a series that needs to be put to bed, and then in 20 years time my daughter can tell me about how she's going to see a remake of Saw.

You know what this film needed, a bit of humour...  The final bathroom scene you hear the squeak of Billys tricycle, he appears from the shadows, but it's not the puppet it's Brian Blessed dressed as Billy and the final line of the film echos around the empty corridor...  "Gordon's Alive!"

Game Over...

RED

Last night Colin Firth was finally acknowledged by the Academy and given a shiny gold statue, this ties us neatly to the winner of the Best Actress Oscar in 2006; another rather posh Brit by the name of Helen Mirren, honoured for her role in The Queen as... well, the Queen.  I doubt she knew four years later she'd be wielding a machine gun and making rouge operations look classy.  Today I'll be looking at RED.

RED stands for Retired: Extremely Dangerous, a group of former CIA agents are being targeted for elimination due to some rather sensitive information threatening the Vice Presidents bid for the ultimate leg up on the career ladder.  They've all moved on with their lives but this threat sees them team up one final time along side a rather cheerful former Russian secret agent.

They are all getting on a bit now, living ordinary lives or in one case an underground bunker to avoid those pesky helicopters.  The CIA want rid of them, especially ring leader Frank and so assign a rather enthusiastic and by the book agent, William Cooper.  As is the way with these films nothing is what it seems, initially the former agents seem to be suffering from some sort of collective alzheimers over why they are being targeted, but it soon becomes all too clear and their decisive action is going to cause a lot of paper work for the CIA.

Along the way we are introduced to Franks potential love interest, a pensions clerk, Sarah, who has been dealing with Frank over the phone for some time; this sub plot is set off with an slightly weird stalker moment which lands poor Sarah in the forced vacation from hell.

This is a comedy action film, and both are abundant making a fast paced and witty running time.  It is also a top notch group of actors, Willis is as good as he was in the first Die Hard combining an unflappable exterior with a touching lonely side, Freeman is a tad underused with only a hint of his characters rather perverted behaviour which could have been used for some more comedy gold.  Mirren pulls off flower-arranging action gran with as much grace and gravitas as her former Queen role, this is one granny you will not mess with other wise you'll be on the wrong end of a sniper rifle.

Of course the show stealing performance belongs to Malkovich as the crazy and paranoid Boggs, he carries a grenade launcher round in a pig shaped bag (causing an hysterical cry of "open the pig!") and laments that while most people get paper cuts he mostly gets shot.

Malkovich always likes to bring a bit of danger to a game of hide and seek.

RED pulls together all the elements that make an action film good, the pace never dwindles with pointless exposition, there are bullets and explosions galore and who doesn't enjoy a bit of grenade rounders.  It's tightly written, although based on a book it has pulled away from the dark and relatively humourless source material making an enjoyable and worthwhile romp.

You have to see this film, and hope that rumours of a sequence are fulfilled.  Grab your mates, beer and popcorn; cram onto the sofa and bask in the fact it's still possible to make an original, attention holding action movie.  There is only one thing left to say and that's break open the pig!!

Deep Rising

Titanic, now there's a good film...  Stop moaning at the back, it is!  Well what if you take Titanic and throw in a giant deep sea squid?  A few months after Titanic was hogging every cinema screen imaginable this next film popped up, with a whopping (it was 1998) $45 million dollar budget I give you Deep Rising.

Now as you can see the one sheet seems to be slightly misleading, you may think you've accidentally stumbled into Godzilla, but in order to keep a typically filmic air of mystery surrounding the content of the feature we are simply given an eye...  But a very nice eye none the less.

Deep Rising tells of the happenings aboard Argonautica, a rather spiffy cruise ship heading on its maiden voyage, and as always occurs at these occasions things start to go horribly wrong and some unsuspecting sea creature runs into a banquet for one.  Along the way a motley bunch of mercenaries and charter boat staff turn up, and a rather glamorous thief join the surviving boat owner and begin a merry death by man swallowing tentacle chase.

The unfortunate thing about this film is that it performed so poorly at the cinema it didn't make back even half it's production costs and to be honest it is hard to see why.  Taken as it is this is a no frills 90s B-movie, with a varied ensemble cast all providing sea creature fodder; they run around the ship a lot, there's the usual double crossing git and some questionable CGI; but for all that it's still a jolly good romp.

When tapeworms attack!

The cast is made up of some familiar faces; Famke Janssen, Jason Flemyng and a then relatively unknown Djimon Hounsou; Treat Williams as Finnegan seems to have been the inspiration for Fireflys Captain Mal Reynolds, from the sarcastic humour to the fact that Williams could be Nathan Fillions older brother the similarity is uncanny at times.  They hold together well as a cast, thankfully there is little overacting here but what does occur is an ability to bring an average script with some down right groan inducing jokes to be fun for an audience.  The actors involved know this isn't a serious movie, so it's tongue in cheek, gung-ho for the entire running time.

Obviously Deep Rising is filled to the brim with special effects, actually most of the time these work the creature is massive and it's crazy, acid filled tentacles are flying about all over the place like some murderous ticker tape on New Years Eve.  It's not perfect, there are points where the actors are clearly imposed over the background but not in proportion; it's probably the only time the word giant can be accurately used to describe Janssen.

But for all it's flaws Deep Rising works, it's a bit of fun, with comedy, gore and an impressive use of a shotgun to open an elevator door.  Watch this film, it's a monster film with guts, guns and cheese-tastic glory; and also use it as a reminder never take a cruise if the ship is on it's maiden voyage.

Deep Rising seems to follow me to every hotel I stay in, settling in for the night flicking through the channels and there it is!  Every single time!  That's when it's great to watch, don't plan it just stumble across it by accident and enjoy...  And for those who have seen it, anybody want to place bets on when the long over due sequel turns up and what happens... My guess is they've joined the survivors of Oceanic Airlines flight 815 and are about to meet the polar bear.

Buried

Have you ever seen Van Wilder: Party Liason?  My advice...  Don't!  My next film is made by people who obviously wanted to make sure Van Wilder never happened again, so they stuck Ryan Reynolds in a box and forgot about him.  Unfortunately it still managed to spawn two sequels but that's not the point.  Without further ado onto the film Buried.

Helpfully the makers of Buried summed up their entire plot in the title; see Commando, The Crazies, Titanic (going the extra mile to even reveal the ending!).  In my opinion Avatar should have been called Smurfs On Crack.

Ryan Reynolds plays an American truck driver, Paul, working in Iraq who awakes to find himself in a wooden coffin buried alive.  His captives have been helpful enough to leave him some supplies akin to what most attendees of a rave carry at the weekend; Zippo lighter, glow sticks, torch, knife, flask and a BlackBerry...  Although we aren't supposed to know it's a BlackBerry, no product placement here!  During the hour and twenty minutes this film runs he talks to a lot of people on the phone, proving he should quit truck driving and immediately be cast in a BT advert.

Of course the now clichéd line is uttered...  "We do not negotiate with terrorists", no of course you don't you just go a jolly and steal their oil, but that's far too political for this blog so back to the film.  From start to finish it's all in the coffin, there are no flashes to life on the outside and the only physically present companion Paul has is a 5 minute cameo from a snake who pops out of his pants (that's not a euphemism) and is just as unhappy about being buried.

The thing about this situation is that for all the blabbering Paul does on the phone he makes no decent attempt at actually getting out of the coffin himself.  From what we can establish he is buried about six feet down, the wood is weak and he apparently has such a good air supply he can use his magical Zippo for long periods of time burning oxygen and it never gets too hot to hold.

Of course as a viewer we can criticise all we want, the reaction of Paul is probably far more realistic then we'll ever know.  The script provides a Reynolds a chance to show his acting abilities, demonstrating a kaleidoscope of emotions which border on him needing a straight jacket and a one way ticket to the mental hospital.  There is no doubting he shines in this film, he's no longer the funny guy, he's a one man army.

Today was not the day to decide to quit smoking!

Given the restrictions placed on this film by the plot location it does a good job in building the suspense and holding the tension, it feels short in length when watching but this probably due to the smart use of camera angles.  They constantly move giving different shots around Reynolds to heighten the sense of claustrophobia, watch it with the lights off and maybe wedge yourself between two shelving units to get that complete experience.

This is one of those films you should watch, just to say you've watched it, it'll divide audiences into two camps.  It's either a cinematic masterpiece or a piece of over-hyped rubbish, make up your own mind it's definitely worth the time.