Friday 6 May 2011

The Devil's Tomb

Have you ever come to the end of watching a movie and realised that if someone were to ask you what it were about you probably wouldn't be able to give them a coherent explanation?  This is usually due to either some rather complex plotting or a complete absence of what should be the plot, instead being replaced with some other pointless garbage.  The second explanation is actually a great way to introduce our my next selection, The Devil's Tomb.
From the box art/one sheet this film looks like it could be rather promising; Gooding Jr, Winstone, Perlman and Rollins have all proved their acting metal in my opinion so what could go wrong?  Answer, lots...  A scary amount of lots!

The plot involves an elite team of soldiers going into a underground bunker which leads to an archaeological dig site, they are attempting to rescue a scientist who's daughter (a CIA agent) has recruited their team and is accompanying them on the search.  Now it gets complicated, apparently the dig site is the location of a temple which holds the frozen body of Nephilim; an angel who has been thrown from heaven by God for being a naughty boy... girl... thing.  The scientists are in fact some form of organisation which agree to absorb the spirit of Nephilim to stop it escaping and causing a literal hell on earth, ultimately leading to their death.

As a viewer I would expect a lot of back story and explanation about the crazy apocalyptic alien (yes, it does look like the type of alien even the X-Files would reject for being too obvious) angel, but instead it is all crammed into a few pieces of dialogue, mostly from Rollins who also spends a lot of time with his mouth taped shut which is probably not a coincidence.

Instead the majority of this film is spent on the on the actions of this apparently elite unit, if these guys are elite we should probably give up all hope now; lets just head off to the air raid shelters and stick our heads between our knees because they sure as hell aren't going to leading the charge for salvation.  From their inability to clear a room correctly to their constant need to wander off on their own these guys are easy pickings from the very moment they shut the bunker hatch.

This is problem with The Devil's Tomb, instead of watching the film it turns even the die hard pacifist of a viewer into a shouting critic of the teams military manoeuvres.  Also the film makers have tried to cram so many extra plot points into the last 20 minutes I was left wondering what the hell was going on, there is a completely pointless flashback storyline featured throughout about Gooding Jrs former Captain which was simply building up to explain 10 seconds of the current timeline story!

I could go on about the terribly thought out plot but I'd be here for a long time; lets just say the soldiers are stupid, the religious horror side of things an after thought, and it just all looks cheap right down to the card board sets...  You know it's bad when the actors are running up and down the same set corridor but supposed to be in different locations.
There is definitely a strong cast involved in this film but only Gooding Jr gets any real screen time out of the big names, Perlman appears on monitors for the majority of the film which about sums up his performance which is video called in to the extent that you're bored for him.  Rollins appearance is welcomed comic relief, along side Fobbs (playing the rookie Click); these guys make the film bearable but only just.  A basic script with no suspense means the majority of the lines are predictable and delivered at a plodding pace, with a bit of eye candy for the guys in some random lesbian encounter and the appearance of a naked centrefold model forced in for good measure.

Of course as with any film touted at horror there are obviously going to bloody scenes, these are relatively few and far between although there is a lot of black coloured vomiting and a lovely scene of pus leaking sore licking... that isn't a typo so don't get excited.  The effects are very low budget, lots of bright, bright red blood and brain bits but nothing original or of note, sometimes imaginative character endings can save a film but in this case it's all very run of the mill.  

All in all there is little to redeem this straight to DVD title, even fans of the actors will probably not enjoy this offering and it will be assigned to the "wish I hadn't done that" list for most of its head liners.  I wouldn't bother watching this again and recommend that if you haven't seen it then save your eyes the torture.

The Devil's Tomb

Monday 2 May 2011

Husk

Sorry it has been awhile, life got in the way and I had to put my movie watching in limbo for a few weeks! I'm back now and ready to go...  So on with the blog and today I will be looking at Husk.
Husk starts like any other generic horror film, a group of friends are travelling across what appears to be middle America on some form of group bonding exercise.  An unfortunate accident involving their SUV and a group of crows scoring an epic fail at a game of chicken leaves our characters stranded at the road side surrounded by corn fields, what shall we do now with no mobile coverage and only a lonely looking farmhouse for company?  I know lets split up in typical cast culling style and investigate!

As the friends attempt to extract themselves from their predicament it becomes clear that all is not normal with the farm, abandoned vehicles and a run down excuse for a farmhouse indicate there must be some kind of psycho murderer on the loose...  Because what happens when people live in secluded places like these?  They turn into Leatherface.  Well in Husk this isn't strictly true as it turns out our band of happy stereotypes are being hunted by scarecrows, in a twisted Children Of The Corn fashion our straw based cultists want to kill the flesh people and make them join the collective.

Now this could have been an interesting premise had the makers of this film actually done something with it, instead what starts out as something different and potentially unique turns into another paint by numbers killing of the friends the viewer is just left with the task of working out in what order they are going to die.  There is a back story as to why the scarecrows aren't particularly happy hanging around all day but there's nothing original to see there.  The use of one of the characters as having the ability to "see" the back story unfold in visions is well done, but given his brain dead friends think he's going a bit loony it's never fully utilised to move the film along.

The problem with the plot is the feel of it being unfinished, some actions of the characters are illogical; for example it is explained that whilst one of the recently killed people is upstairs getting their freak on with a hammer, some nails and their fingers the spirit cannot occupy the scarecrows in the field... At this point would you not as a rational human being say "screw this so-and-so is dead lets make a run for it!"
The Scarecrow was fed up of waiting for Christopher Nolan to start filming the third instalment of Batman
The acting is of an average standard, they aren't terrible it just never gets above made for TV standard.  With a poor script, the writer appears to have written the majority of it on the back of a beer mat whilst discussing the plot with his mates down the pub, the actors have little to work with.  Unfortunately they are put into neat little characters moulds of jock, geek, bad boy and girl (yes, due to her short on screen time we simple only discern her gender as her defining character feature).  Jock is blonde and macho, geek wears thick rimmed glasses and is weedy, and bad boy wears black biker jacket with too much gel in his hair...  It's really that to the point.

For a small budget the film is well made, it would easily stand up to many big release films in the style and direction.  The scarecrows look good when seen in close up and cornfields are just scary full stop in my opinion.  Due to the budget the limited amount of gore is actually good due to a lack of reliance on CGI, particularly in one cringe worthy moment when the undead are becoming part of the sack cloth gang.

I wouldn't disregard the production company, After Dark Films, on the basis of Husk though, the trailers accompanying the feature had a couple of their other films which could redeem them for this average, run of the mill output.

In conclusion I wouldn't bother with Husk, you've seen it all before and done better; this is like someone came up with the idea of trying to combine Signs with Jeepers Creepers and realised it was probably a bad idea half way through.  For a simple plot summary (which'll be quicker than getting the DVD out of the box); stranded friends split up, scarecrows go boo, all but one die, large potential for even worse sequel ending...  I apologise if I've ruined it for you but this is definitely one to avoid.

Husk

Wednesday 30 March 2011

Machete

In early 2007 a double bill Grindhouse feature was released comprising of Planet Terror and Death Proof, between the two films was a number of fake trailers in keeping with the grindhouse theme.  From these trailers there was a stand out gem; the Danny Trejo led Machete and so in 2010 it was released as a feature film in its own right.  There are no prizes for guessing which movie I am going to be debating over today.
Directed by Robert Rodriguez Machete is the name of our lead character, a former Mexican cop and now illegal immigrant who is on the well worn path of revenge against a drug lord for the murder of his wife and daughter.  Along the way he gets involved in a complicated political scam after being offered a large sum of money to shoot a local State Senator, this opens a whole entangled can of worms including a secret organization known as the Network who help Mexicans get over the border, an all too enthusiastic Immigration Officer and a crazy mum and daughter porno team.

The thing you have to keep in mind when watching Machete is that it plays on the old exploitation films, this means it's filled with mindless gore, nudity and over the top violence.  The plot is tightly directed for all it's complex points although filled with simple scripting to the point of some cheese-tastic one liners, there's also some comedy provided by the refusal of Machete to operate a mobile phone akin to watching your grandparents trying to send a text message.

He doesn't want guns and glory, Machete wants to hack and slash his way through the enemies with a variety of impressive machetes...  In fact at one point I'm convinced one of them was bordering on sword territory it was that long.  Of course a weapon of this choosing provides a large amount of head decapitating fun and an interesting use of intestines for abseiling. 

This is surprisingly Trejos first lead role, given that he has a habit of popping in quite a few blood splattered films over the years; for example From Dusk Till Dawn, Halloween, The Devil's Rejects and Predators.  This is his role and he owns it with gusto, from the moment he appears on screen it is obvious Rodriguez wrote the character for him (from doing a bit of research it seems it has been a long time in the making).  Whether it's his ridiculously weather worn face or enough body art to make him a walking advert for LA Ink, Trejo embodies everything this character represents.
Lohan's parole officer will be nun to happy with her new habit... 
Machete is completed with an impressive cast; De Niro, who is the person you'd probably least expect appearing in this sort of film, is the State Senate who is about as politically incorrect as they come eventually resorting to a final act of desperation in the form of dressing as Mexican and running around the battle field appropriately like a jumping bean.

Jessica Alba is intentionally over the top, it's all very big and dramatic with her character although she does have a brilliant fight scene resulting in the best use of a metal stiletto heel I've seen in a long time.  Yep she is naked in the shower much to many a mans delight and she wears very tight trousers with ridiculously high heels.  Her other female co-star, Michelle Rodriguez, plays her usual hard ass bitch but it fits with the style of the film and enables her character to make a stylish return, also in tight clothing, towards the final act.

Others worthy of a mention are Lindsay Lohan, blond hair and boobs ahoy!  She annoys the crap out of me but she's passable in this and even has a little dig at herself in a conversation with her on screen father, although seeing her in a nuns outfit may have scarred me for life.  Steven Seagal also appears as the drug lord, I have watched a lot of his straight to DVD films and thankfully I don't feel the need to scratch my eyes out from his performance in this!  You know it's Seagal, he comes pre-packaged with a young oriental girl at his side, wearing some strange kind of robes and has his samurai sword at the ready.

Lets be honest, you're probably not going to watch a film like Machete if you aren't interested in cheesy gore infused violence with plenty of boob (boob counter went into overdrive!)  People who do watch Machete won't be disappointed, it lives up to the expectations set by the trailer and surpasses the Grindhouse double it was originally wedged between.  Must be watched with others of a similar mindset, not those who offend easily, and then it'll be the perfect film night in.

Machete

Thursday 24 March 2011

Skyline

In my humble opinion Independence Day is probably the best alien invasion film of recent years, it's only topped by the original War Of The Worlds (not the "hi, I'm Tom Cruise and I was put in this film simply to make money" remake).  As a dedicated X-Phile I like watching stuff which has a little green man theme, but in our next film the invaders are neither little or green; Skyline is my next review.
Skyline opens with the usual brief preamble before the world starts falling apart, Jarrod and his girlfriend Elaine have taken a trip to LA to celebrate the birthday of Jarrods friend Terry, who is now the big man in special effects living in his penthouse apartment with his typical LA blonde bimbo girlfriend, Candice.

The following morning the group are woken by what feels like an earthquake only to see that outside people are being sucked into the sky by shafts of blue light.  Random extra one in the apartment has his fate sealed when he decides to have a good stare out over the balcony, chaos ensues and our two leading men decide the best thing to do in this situation is go onto the roof, where it's nice and exposed, and take some pictures.

When people are caught in the light they begin to physically change, both Jarrod and Elaine are exposed but make miracle recoveries although we later on discover that for some reason it has cause Jarrod to become action man.  This is means that a lot of the time our characters are hiding behind kitchen counters praying that the timer on the electric blinds doesn't decide to open them again.

The thing with Skyline is the characters are relatively believable, none of them are experts in anything really and they bumble about trying to solve their predicament in ways which although may be stupid are probably not that far from a real reaction.  For example, the end of the world is extremely fucking nigh (kudos if you know the reference) but Candice still has time to be pissed at Terry for a bit of extra curricular bathroom activity with his assistant the night before.  They might all be about to die but Terry will be getting his ear chewed first, priorities after all.

It has to be addressed that for an alien invasion movie it had a relatively limited budget, there are no big names here and most of the money went on special effects.  The effects are good, definitely a step up from the type of films you'll see on the Sy-Fy channel, and the alien ships are nicely detailed if not a little Transformer-ish in their movement and appearance when walking through the city.  There are a couple of occasions where the characters are so obviously super imposed onto the background that they may as well be standing in front of a picture, but this is only a small problem and doesn't distract too much.
At this point the problem seemed too big even for Jack Bauer to handle.
Overall the acting is of a fair standard, Balfour and Faison are playing their usual characters just placed into a more stressful environment with Faison being taken out of the game early which was surprising as I would say he was the best known of all the cast.  The two women are largely stereotyped, bimbo looks confused by everything and screams a lot (Sweet Valley High girl is getting on a bit) and Elaine seems to be stuck in permanent nagging mode, if I've had been stuck in a room with her I would not be responsible for my actions!

David Zayas (the always cheerful Batista in Dexter) pops up as the buildings concierge, Oliver.  Oliver appears to be the only person capable of intelligent thought, although it has to be said that he should really check if his lighter works before turning on the gas as it could all have gone horribly wrong.  Nobody is bad, and with an average script with little in the way of wit or dry humour the actors try their best.

Skyline is worth a watch, if only to see an invasion movie which does not have a happy ending; there is no hero, Jeff Goldblum won't be along to plant his virus at the last minute, and the British won't be sitting around drinking tea waiting for the Americans to tell them what to do.  The end sequence in the alien craft is interesting and leaves open the possibility of a predictable sequel, maybe find out what the aliens want with all those brains.

I have one issue with this film; how on earth does one look at a nuclear explosion through a telescope and not end up blind and then nobody seems to suffer any consequences from the fall out given that it wasn't that far away from them.  Just a little shake of the building, see people nuclear weapons are perfectly safe when used against aliens!

Skyline

Monday 21 March 2011

And Soon The Darkness

"Alone.  Stranded.  No One To Trust" shouts the box description of the next film, there's blurry tension ridden pictures, girls in bikinis, and Karl Urban looking angry...  In fact he seems to be pulling the same face he does in the Lord Of The Rings whenever someone mentions going into battle.  So today we'll have a look at And Soon The Darkness.
This is one of those films where the characters seem to lack simple common sense, two American girls are on a bike tour in Argentina but have decided to abandon the organised trip and go a wandering...  Alarm bells ringing yet?  They should be!

It's a simple plot, the girls find a hotel to stay in and decided to spend their final night in a local bar annoying the locals with skimpy outfits and an overeagerness for crappy pop on the jukebox.  Ellie, who apparently is a man eating nympho, decides to get it on with one of the regulars but is promptly blocked by friend Stephanie, when her chosen date doesn't like being turned down Michael (Urban) steps in being all manly and shirt roughing.

The following day Ellies behaviour causes a predictable fight between her and Stephanie which leads to their separation, when Steph returns Ellie is missing and the remainder of the film is a paint by numbers race to find her.

Here is the issue, there is nothing new in this film, tourists being kidnapped to be sold on to as sex slaves in some backwater town has been done numerous times before.  This film can't even really be described as a thriller, a promising opening sequence featuring the torture of one young woman is about as graphic as you're going to get.  The entire plot is focussed on Steph trying to find her friend, there is no mystery to this as it's so obvious from the start what is going on that there is noting to hold your attention; you know how this is going to end within the first 15 minutes.  It's one giant cupcake sized cliché with an extra sprinkling of unbelievable plot points.

It's one redeeming feature is the gorgeous scenery, there are lots of wide shots of the landscape whilst the girls explore making for some beautiful travelling scenes.  But like Barbie it's all beauty and no substance.  I'm sure some viewers will enjoy the view of the lead actresses strutting around in their bikinis, accompanied by some rather overly intrusive ass shots but this seems like a final act of desperation by the makers to get people watching.

The script isn't poor, it's average at best, the character of Steph comes across as a complete kill joy during the first half of the film and when she is trying to find Ellie she seems to lack the required urgency a situation like this would obviously garner.  In fact all the characters feel one dimensional, Ellie is the trouble maker, Steph is the prude and Michael is the brave man.
Urban still wasn't sure if he'd perfected the Bryan McFadden look enough for his Westlife Tribute Act.
I ended up watching this film as Karl Urban was in it, I quite enjoy his performances and find him a more understated actor.  As with the two actresses Heard and Yustman, Urban cannot fill out his role due to the constraints of the writing, they all have back stories which are touched upon in such a blink and you'll miss it type way that you really don't care about them as characters.

The cast do their best with what they have, with the exception of Cesar Vianco who plays Calvo the towns local law enforcement.  Vianco is unintentional comic relief due to his rather camp Spanish accent and crazy hair, you know from the moment he turns up that he's in on it he may as well be wearing a sign around his neck declaring "Alert!  Bad Guy Plot Twist!"

This film is one to be avoided, even if you're a fan of the cast there is little to make it interesting.  If you're looking for films with similar themes try Taken for a plot around tourists being kidnapped or A Perfect Getaway for a vacation based thriller, both are good choices.

If nothing else you'll take away from the film that you should never go on holiday with someone who'll sleep with anyone in sight because they attract kidnappers, be suspicious of any place where the locals are constantly passing silent messages to one another through dirty looks and don't ever trust a police man whos office implies he never solves any crimes...  Seriously how many missing persons posters did he have to display for Steph to twig something may be a bit wrong!

And Soon the Darkness

Wednesday 9 March 2011

Saw: The Final Chapter

Back in 2004 a small horror film was released, it quickly garnered a cult following due to its inventive plot and new take on a by now tired genre.  The film revolved around two men held in a bathroom, with only an apparently dead body for company...  The tag line read "Let The Games Begin!"  I doubt back then the makers would realise the craze they had set upon the movie going public, Halloween 2010 was the date for the release of the seventh and final (possibly?!) instalment of the franchise.  The film for today is Saw: The Final Chapter.
The first Saw was a complicated film, full of twists and second guessing.  There was purpose to Jigsaws rather strange take on the Crystal Maze, he wanted to teach his victims a lesson; they could save their lives if they were willing to sacrifice parts of themselves in the process, he wanted them to be reborn and be grateful for what they had.  A technique, which although a bit severe, would make the Jeremy Kyle show a lot more interesting.

The Final Chapter was supposed to tie up all those story strands which have been dropping all over place for the last six films.  Hoffman, a man who has a number of super powers including rapidly healing skin tissue, ninja like stealth and a keen fancy for stabbing people in the neck; is now on a wanted man.  Jigsaws wife has finally decided that she actually did know her late hubby was a bit of a caring serial killer and she's ready to shop everyone, for full immunity of course.

Whilst Hoffman and Tuck are playing chase the main story running though is that of Bobby Dagen, a "survivor" of a trap who has ridden the publicity train to wealth and a trophy wife.  He courts the media with TV spots and an appearance at a Jigsaw Survivor group, of course it soon becomes clear Bobby is being a little generous with the truth.  So what happens to him?  Well dim wife gets taken prisoner and Bobby has to face the Jigsaw gauntlet, various traps encasing those who work for him and are in on the secret that he has never been tested.  Lets be honest we've seen it all before and Bobby is a bit bad at the game, in that he saves a grand total of zero!

There are also numerous other random characters popping up, including a rather forced flashback as to how the Internal Affairs guy currently holding Tuck knows Hoffman.  This is the problem with how complicated Saw has become, there aren't just stand alone characters any more everyone has to have some sort of connection to the extend that you have to wonder if there's a little inbreeding going on.
"Flash Gordon, Quarterback, New York Jets"... Wait... Wrong Gordon.
Of course we eventually see the return of the one footed man, Dr. Gordon is back and he is not a happy chappy.  Anyone who has gotten into a debate with an overenthusiastic Saw fan will know this is the big question, what the hell happened to him after Saw last time we saw him he was snaking out of the bathroom minus a foot and taking on an appearance that wouldn't see him out of place on the set of Twilight.

Actually the acting in this final instalment is the weakest so far, the IA agent Gibson is so bad it's funny I have no idea where they got him from (he's been in Final Destination) but the boy needs to invest in some decent acting classes.  Hoffman is his usual gruff self, scowling moodily whilst trying to maintain how cool he is, given that most of his interactions are with Jill Tuck it basically becomes a face off between his angry brow line and her evil pout of smugness.

The rest of the supporting cast takes the usual cues, look terrified and scream a lot...  Then die...  That's about it really.  Even that guy from Linkin Park manages to out act almost everyone, the only exception being Gordon who being played by a seasoned actor was obviously restricted in his role in case he showed everyone else up.

Saw films are known for their traps, each new film trying to outdo the last; this offering lacked in originality though, there wasn't anything that stood out unlike say the Rack Trap in Saw 3 or the end group trap in Saw 5.  Yes there was the usual volcano of blood going off but it wasn't interesting any more.

It's a shame that Saw has gone out on a whimper rather than a bang, given that Saw 6 managed to pick up the franchise again after some poor showings in Saw 4 and Saw 5, The Final Chapter undid all the good work.  Tobin Bells Jigsaw had all but disappeared, an occasional flashback was all we got when he was the star of the show, yes Jigsaw is dead but he could have been used more.  Hopefully this is the end, although the rumours are starting again...  This is a series that needs to be put to bed, and then in 20 years time my daughter can tell me about how she's going to see a remake of Saw.

You know what this film needed, a bit of humour...  The final bathroom scene you hear the squeak of Billys tricycle, he appears from the shadows, but it's not the puppet it's Brian Blessed dressed as Billy and the final line of the film echos around the empty corridor...  "Gordon's Alive!"

Game Over...

Saw: The Final Chapter (Formerly Saw 3D)


Monday 28 February 2011

RED

Last night Colin Firth was finally acknowledged by the Academy and given a shiny gold statue, this ties us neatly to the winner of the Best Actress Oscar in 2006; another rather posh Brit by the name of Helen Mirren, honoured for her role in The Queen as... well, the Queen.  I doubt she knew four years later she'd be wielding a machine gun and making rouge operations look classy.  Today I'll be looking at RED.
RED stands for Retired: Extremely Dangerous, a group of former CIA agents are being targeted for elimination due to some rather sensitive information threatening the Vice Presidents bid for the ultimate leg up on the career ladder.  They've all moved on with their lives but this threat sees them team up one final time along side a rather cheerful former Russian secret agent.

They are all getting on a bit now, living ordinary lives or in one case an underground bunker to avoid those pesky helicopters.  The CIA want rid of them, especially ring leader Frank and so assign a rather enthusiastic and by the book agent, William Cooper.  As is the way with these films nothing is what it seems, initially the former agents seem to be suffering from some sort of collective alzheimers over why they are being targeted, but it soon becomes all too clear and their decisive action is going to cause a lot of paper work for the CIA.

Along the way we are introduced to Franks potential love interest, a pensions clerk, Sarah, who has been dealing with Frank over the phone for some time; this sub plot is set off with an slightly weird stalker moment which lands poor Sarah in the forced vacation from hell.

This is a comedy action film, and both are abundant making a fast paced and witty running time.  It is also a top notch group of actors, Willis is as good as he was in the first Die Hard combining an unflappable exterior with a touching lonely side, Freeman is a tad underused with only a hint of his characters rather perverted behaviour which could have been used for some more comedy gold.  Mirren pulls off flower-arranging action gran with as much grace and gravitas as her former Queen role, this is one granny you will not mess with other wise you'll be on the wrong end of a sniper rifle.

Of course the show stealing performance belongs to Malkovich as the crazy and paranoid Boggs, he carries a grenade launcher round in a pig shaped bag (causing an hysterical cry of "open the pig!") and laments that while most people get paper cuts he mostly gets shot.
Malkovich always likes to bring a bit of danger to a game of hide and seek.
RED pulls together all the elements that make an action film good, the pace never dwindles with pointless exposition, there are bullets and explosions galore and who doesn't enjoy a bit of grenade rounders.  It's tightly written, although based on a book it has pulled away from the dark and relatively humourless source material making an enjoyable and worthwhile romp.

You have to see this film, and hope that rumours of a sequence are fulfilled.  Grab your mates, beer and popcorn; cram onto the sofa and bask in the fact it's still possible to make an original, attention holding action movie.  There is only one thing left to say and that's break open the pig!!

Red (Special Edition)

Sunday 27 February 2011

Deep Rising

Titanic, now there's a good film...  Stop moaning at the back, it is!  Well what if you take Titanic and throw in a giant deep sea squid?  A few months after Titanic was hogging every cinema screen imaginable this next film popped up, with a whopping (it was 1998) $45 million dollar budget I give you Deep Rising.
Now as you can see the one sheet seems to be slightly misleading, you may think you've accidentally stumbled into Godzilla, but in order to keep a typically filmic air of mystery surrounding the content of the feature we are simply given an eye...  But a very nice eye none the less.

Deep Rising tells of the happenings aboard Argonautica, a rather spiffy cruise ship heading on its maiden voyage, and as always occurs at these occasions things start to go horribly wrong and some unsuspecting sea creature runs into a banquet for one.  Along the way a motley bunch of mercenaries and charter boat staff turn up, and a rather glamorous thief join the surviving boat owner and begin a merry death by man swallowing tentacle chase.

The unfortunate thing about this film is that it performed so poorly at the cinema it didn't make back even half it's production costs and to be honest it is hard to see why.  Taken as it is this is a no frills 90s B-movie, with a varied ensemble cast all providing sea creature fodder; they run around the ship a lot, there's the usual double crossing git and some questionable CGI; but for all that it's still a jolly good romp.
When tapeworms attack!
The cast is made up of some familiar faces; Famke Janssen, Jason Flemyng and a then relatively unknown Djimon Hounsou; Treat Williams as Finnegan seems to have been the inspiration for Fireflys Captain Mal Reynolds, from the sarcastic humour to the fact that Williams could be Nathan Fillions older brother the similarity is uncanny at times.  They hold together well as a cast, thankfully there is little overacting here but what does occur is an ability to bring an average script with some down right groan inducing jokes to be fun for an audience.  The actors involved know this isn't a serious movie, so it's tongue in cheek, gung-ho for the entire running time.

Obviously Deep Rising is filled to the brim with special effects, actually most of the time these work the creature is massive and it's crazy, acid filled tentacles are flying about all over the place like some murderous ticker tape on New Years Eve.  It's not perfect, there are points where the actors are clearly imposed over the background but not in proportion; it's probably the only time the word giant can be accurately used to describe Janssen.

But for all it's flaws Deep Rising works, it's a bit of fun, with comedy, gore and an impressive use of a shotgun to open an elevator door.  Watch this film, it's a monster film with guts, guns and cheese-tastic glory; and also use it as a reminder never take a cruise if the ship is on it's maiden voyage.

Deep Rising seems to follow me to every hotel I stay in, settling in for the night flicking through the channels and there it is!  Every single time!  That's when it's great to watch, don't plan it just stumble across it by accident and enjoy...  And for those who have seen it, anybody want to place bets on when the long over due sequel turns up and what happens... My guess is they've joined the survivors of Oceanic Airlines flight 815 and are about to meet the polar bear.

Deep Rising

Sunday 20 February 2011

Buried

Have you ever seen Van Wilder: Party Liason?  My advice...  Don't!  My next film is made by people who obviously wanted to make sure Van Wilder never happened again, so they stuck Ryan Reynolds in a box and forgot about him.  Unfortunately it still managed to spawn two sequels but that's not the point.  Without further ado onto the film Buried.
Helpfully the makers of Buried summed up their entire plot in the title; see Commando, The Crazies, Titanic (going the extra mile to even reveal the ending!).  In my opinion Avatar should have been called Smurfs On Crack.

Ryan Reynolds plays an American truck driver, Paul, working in Iraq who awakes to find himself in a wooden coffin buried alive.  His captives have been helpful enough to leave him some supplies akin to what most attendees of a rave carry at the weekend; Zippo lighter, glow sticks, torch, knife, flask and a BlackBerry...  Although we aren't supposed to know it's a BlackBerry, no product placement here!  During the hour and twenty minutes this film runs he talks to a lot of people on the phone, proving he should quit truck driving and immediately be cast in a BT advert.

Of course the now clichéd line is uttered...  "We do not negotiate with terrorists", no of course you don't you just go a jolly and steal their oil, but that's far too political for this blog so back to the film.  From start to finish it's all in the coffin, there are no flashes to life on the outside and the only physically present companion Paul has is a 5 minute cameo from a snake who pops out of his pants (that's not a euphemism) and is just as unhappy about being buried.

The thing about this situation is that for all the blabbering Paul does on the phone he makes no decent attempt at actually getting out of the coffin himself.  From what we can establish he is buried about six feet down, the wood is weak and he apparently has such a good air supply he can use his magical Zippo for long periods of time burning oxygen and it never gets too hot to hold.

Of course as a viewer we can criticise all we want, the reaction of Paul is probably far more realistic then we'll ever know.  The script provides a Reynolds a chance to show his acting abilities, demonstrating a kaleidoscope of emotions which border on him needing a straight jacket and a one way ticket to the mental hospital.  There is no doubting he shines in this film, he's no longer the funny guy, he's a one man army.
Today was not the day to decide to quit smoking!
Given the restrictions placed on this film by the plot location it does a good job in building the suspense and holding the tension, it feels short in length when watching but this probably due to the smart use of camera angles.  They constantly move giving different shots around Reynolds to heighten the sense of claustrophobia, watch it with the lights off and maybe wedge yourself between two shelving units to get that complete experience.

This is one of those films you should watch, just to say you've watched it, it'll divide audiences into two camps.  It's either a cinematic masterpiece or a piece of over-hyped rubbish, make up your own mind it's definitely worth the time.

Buried

Tuesday 15 February 2011

22 Bullets (L'Immortel)

Right here's a little test for you name some mainstream French actors... Quickly... Stumped?  Me too, and if you're anything like me you probably only got two; Gerard Depardieu and Jean Reno, both of which have amazing noses which are worthy of skiing on.  This review will focus on a recent Reno film, 22 Bullets... Or L'Immortel if we're being posh.
Reno plays Mattei, a retired Mafia Godfather who has taken to the simple life of caring for his wife and young son but as it is pointed out in the titles voice-over no one ever really leaves the Mafia behind.  Mattei soon finds himself the victim of a gang of eight masked men who shoot him, wait for it... 22 times!  During this sudden and graphic sequence there is a rather comic little, yappy terrier versus shotgun stand off; needless to say Cesars dog food may want to recast given said dog now looks like one of their products.

Mattei survives, and he is angry, as angry as Reno can look which in all honesty isn't very.  Once he knows who set him up revenge is sought, people briskly walk around in long coats looking permanently worried or constipated, and the police turn up trying get to the bottom of it all but just getting in the way as usual.

First thing to note, this film is in French with no dubbing so a no go for people who don't have the patience for subtitles.  Although you don't really need them it's quite clear what's going on, I speak a little French and I was wondering what film the subtitles were for at times as apparently the writer was watching something else. But here is a conundrum for you, if the film were dubbed would Reno dub himself in English?  We'll never know.
Reno vowed never to return to Ikea during a sale again
22 Bullets isn't an action film, it's a thriller which occasionally threatens to turn on action but gets put to bed with a nice, hot cup of cocoa before it has the chance.  The story is good although the "twist" is obvious within the first ten minutes, and there are times when it takes a minute to remember who is on what side.  It doesn't really have a climax so to speak, it's building up to one but then the cork gets stuck in the bottle and all the fizz is gone.

Acting wise the cast hold together well, this isn't a badly acted film far from it, thugs and gangsters throw their weight around and then plead for mercy when the revenge act kicks in.  It's always surprising how quickly these guys flip when Reno is around.  It does use a standard scripted lines to life span ratio, if you're not saying something useful you're about to die.

Although promoted as being from the same producers as Taken, it doesn't have quite the same energy and turns into your standard Mafia boss war.  There is also the rather blinding blooper, if Mattei had no feeling in his hand to the extent he could not move any of his fingers how the hell did he escape on a motorbike?  Maybe the cat he befriended was driving, who knows, sloppy continuity though.

Somebody give Reno something decent, he deserves it, so long as he doesn't have the same manic grin he did in Godzilla which looked like he was mid demonic possession.  Watch 22 Bullets, it's not a bad film, but much like Mattei it's past its prime.

22 Bullets (L'Immortel) [Uncut Version]

Wednesday 9 February 2011

Mirrors 2

If I said the name Nick Stahl to you would it mean anything?  What has he done?  Well he starred in the Terminator film which shall not be named...  Yes that one with the female Terminator, the one that was a cringefest of bad acting and even badder script writing.  But as far as I'm concerned that film doesn't exist and therefore Nick Stahl has done nothing noteworthy, not even starring in my next film choice Mirrors 2.
Now I'll admit that Mirrors was hardly a brilliant film, Jack Bauer...  Sorry, Keifer Sutherland, ran around looking generally pissed off at everything whilst attempt to exorcise some mirror based demons; but at least it was watchable unlike it's straight-to-video sequel.

Let us review the plot, Max is a night time security guard at his fathers mall, the recently reopened Mayflower department store.  One year prior Max had a serious car accident killing his fiancée and causing him to be clinically dead until he is resuscitated by medical crews at the scene, he is racked with guilt although I'm not sure why the silly woman shouldn't have crawled into the back seat of the car to get a backpack in the first place.  Currently being treated by a psychologist Max begins to see a woman in the stores mirrors and this leads him to see his colleagues deaths like a really bad Final Destination.  Anyway turns out that freaky mirror girl is a missing employee, Max finds her sister and they go off in Scooby Doo mode to solve the case.

It's your bog standard crazy ass dead girl wants revenge, see The Ring for almost identical plot except replace mirrors for a television.  And nothing much actually happens, there's a few deaths but inventive they are not, if one victim had seen Dog Soldiers he's know how to fix the fact his intestines are now on the outside of his body.  The laugh out loud moment came when Maxs father is facing death by pizza cutter!  I don't know what pizza cutters are like in the States but I can tell you over here you'll be lucky if you could cut a pizza with them let alone slash your own face off.
Stahl didn't receive the memo saying the fancy dress theme was cancelled
Nick Stahl doesn't get beyond confused monotone man, with such distractingly bad hair I forgot what his face looked like; actually no he looked a bit like a gerbil, like he's been taking transmogrification class at Hogwarts but hasn't quite got the whole way yet.  The supporting cast of made up of a bunch of clichés get your check sheet out for bitch, slime ball, arrogant over achiever and over sensitive Dad.   Stahl female co-star, revenge bitch's sister, is played by same woman who is Mia in Two & A Half Men and she has the same smug, better than you expression in this.

Really don't bother with Mirrors 2, in fact only bother if it happens to pop up on TV, you don't have to pay for it and don't bother watching the first half hour as the back story doesn't appear till the end so you're not missing much.  Looking in an actual mirror for 80 minutes is a better use of your time.

Mirrors 2

Saturday 5 February 2011

Splinter

"You're suffering from a severe case of CDS: Can't Do Shit!".  This line probably sums up the situation for the characters in the majority of the next film, it's a little know gem of a horror movie; small budget, even smaller cast and a smartly written script make my next choice Splinter.
Trapped in a remote gas station a young couple and an escaped convict are being hunted by the Splinter parasite which transforms its living victims into poky hosts.  This may seem a little dull, an hour of watching people ponder life and death in a tight space, a bit like Big Brother if Dead Set had actually happened (it's a shame it didn't really).  The story line is tight enough to keep you hooked and the pacing of the film is excellent, I liken it to The Thing slow burning but always aware of the danger outside.

This film is not for the squeamish, it's not your typical maniac with a blade hacking people up but it is gruesome.  The parasite takes over the body in quite a graphic manner during one scene, resulting in some arm bending action that would put a contortionist in hospital.  All the while those already consumed are coming back to find more fresh meat, like a psycho Womble who can't find his rubbish.
When Thing went postal nobody would survive
What holds this film together is a combination of a well thought out concept with a strong cast, there is no horror stereotyping here; the woman do not feel the need to scream in a high pitch voice while bouncing their fun bags and the blokes are not all hell bent on killing whatever is chasing them.  The best way I can describe it is intelligent, yes the characters have some stupid ideas but they realise they are and try something else.

The actors fit well into their environment; Dennis makes a believable turnaround from hard knocks convict to repentant do gooder, Polly and Seth aren't your typical horror couple as she's the brawn and he's the brains much to Dennis' amusement.  The remaining three actors, for their short screen time fit in nicely, Lacey does go a bit overboard with the Ginger references.  You know she's referring to her dead dog but you can't help thinking she's actually just woken up to discover she's ginger, nothing wrong being a red head love.

The special effects are subtle but so well done you be hard pushed to think this had a small budget, the splintering effects as the parasite takes it's host is brilliant and the scuttling body parts caused much debate between my husband and I; was it animatronics/puppetry, CGI, or some bloke off screen with a piece of fishing wire?

Go find this film, watch it and rejoice...  Harking back to the brilliance of The Thing, this is a smart horror.  And if you're ever stranded in a British gas station being chased by some B&Q parasite you'll be cursing the fact we don't have back stocking refrigerators.

Splinter (2008)

Friday 4 February 2011

The Expendables

I'm a child of the eighties, but I was born too late to see films like Rambo, Rocky & The Terminator; these weren't the kind of films my parents watched but even I was aware of who Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis were.  They are the action movie icons, they symbolise the big Hollywood films filled with explosions and raining gun fire.  So it was no surprise that the announcement of The Expendables caused a collective fan boy orgasm.
Building on the success of Rambo (2008) Stallone has given his audience what they wanted, so much testosterone spilling out the screen I refuse to believe you could finish watching it not feeling more of a man.  They're grumpy, muscle bound, brick walls of men; except Jet Li as he likes to keep reminding us he is very small.

The plot is your standard action fare, a group of elite mercenaries take on a job to overthrow a Latin American dictator but things are not as simple as they seem when it becomes clear that the actual target is a former CIA agent turned bad, bad man.  It's fast paced, slowed only by the needless inclusion of a sub plot that sees Jason Statham trying to win over Cordelia from Buffy (does that woman never age?  That's some impressive botox).

Acting wise nobody is going to win an Oscar, but they gel well as a team and the comradery comes across as genuine; this film was obviously a lot of fun to make.  Stallone, Lundgren and Rouke have an unspoken competition over who has the most weather worn face, with Stallone winning through sheer amount of skin to skull ratio.  I would have like to have seen more interaction between Statham and Li, having seen their previous collaborations they make a good team.

There are some awesome action scenes with a brilliant face off between Austin (these wrestlers get everywhere!) and Stallone, Crews provides comic relief when it all kicks off with his AA12 automatic shotgun.  Explosions, buildings collapsing, extras flying off in all directions and an impressive array of weaponry.
Live action Call Of Duty took a lot of organising
All in all this film lived up to its hype, yes it's brainless violence and an excuse for the older generation to show they can still stand up to the new generation of action stars.  As for "that" scene; Arnie, Sly and Willis all cosying up in a church, only one thing popped into my head...  How painfully thin is Arnie now?  But it comes across more as a school reunion, you know the type where you're forced to talk those people who pushed your head down the toilet during break.

I enjoyed it, from the first scene it set itself up for what it is... Guts and glory.  It's definitely a gun show you want front row tickets for and as the credits roll the song is correct, the boys are indeed back in town!

The Expendables